Soul of a Dreamer

Cave Dwelling

2009-08-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

So I have been hiding out, living in a cave of my own creation. I felt as though I was overwhelmed with life in general and nothing was going the way I anticipated. I am a bit of a control freak and I felt like I lost control, they only way to regain it was to dwell in my cave until I felt better about the journey. I redesigned my expectations, refocused, and realized that I can't control everything, I just have to learn to deal with it better.

I have exited the cave and reentered the real world feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the world again, however I see that in my weeks of cave life I was not there for someone who could have used me. I feel terrible, I've let down someone who is very important to me. I wish that I was not a person who internalized everything to the point that I crawl in hole and hibernate until I can deal with the world again. My hope is that with every journey into the cave I learn something that affords me the ability to stay in the real world longer the next time, that's been the case so far, I just hope it continues.

I have realized that no matter how much I need to fall apart, I can't let my friendships suffer from my own issues. I wish that I could have been there for my friend at a time where my knowledge of the process could have helped. I wish that I had just been able to deal with all the craziness around me and not internalized everything to the point that I felt broken and in need of repairs that only my cave could provide.

To my friend, I think you'll know I am talking about you, and I wish that I were a stronger person, one who could have dealt with my own issues well enough to have been available to you. I wish that I had known at the time and could have been there for you to lean on, having been there myself. I know you did fine on your own, you've sense taught me a few things I didn't know, but my hope is that I have not ruined the friendship we had by hiding away in my dark cave and being unavailable when you could have used me. I am deeply sorry and I hope some day to make it up to you, and be there for you like you always have been for me.

Questioning the Path...

2009-05-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today for whatever reason I started thinking...thinking back on the decisions in my life that have lead me to where I am today. I know there is a reason why we choose the paths we do at the time, I am also vastly aware that hind-sight is 20/20. It is not that I sit here questioning the choices I have made, thinking they may have been wrong, because I know at the time I made the best decisions I was capable of making. I can look back and see how very much I have grown as a person, and how if faced with some of the same decisions today my choices might be very different simply because of who I am now having dealt with the things I have.

I believe we choose our own destiny, we have free will and therefore are left to take the things that we instinctively know or have been taught and use them to make choices that will impact our future. As we grow up there are many people who try to impart their wisdom on us and who will offer us guidance. It is up to us to choose who we listen to, who we allow into our lives to help us make the hard decisions in life. I have always been very selective, quick to cut ties when something goes awry, and somewhat closed off. I know that has always been my crutch, my biggest fear in life has always been that I would let someone in whole-heartedly only to have them realize that they no longer wanted me once they saw everything. I have realized through the years though that to truely be happy in life you have to let people in, you have to allow them to see the darkest parts of you, and their reactions to the ugly things will tell you all you need to know about them.

I have always held myself to unreachable standards in many aspects of life and therefore often expect others to reach those standards as well. I have grown to realize that I will never achieve the perfect me, that instead I will forever be a work in progress, and therefore asking someone else to reach perfection is only setting myself up for heartbreak. I am learning to trust, though it is a grueling task and one that often leaves me alone to sit with the pain it causes, I rebound to once again to put myself out there. I have come to realize that the hardest of times teach me more about myself and therefore show me a strength I didn't know I had. I will perseveare and the knowledge and strength I have gained through the experiances in my life have gotten me this far so I should not turn my back on them now.

I know I am at this place right this instant for a reason, I haven't a clue what the reason is at this point but I am willing to accept the journey ahead in hope of learning something more and gaining insight into a strength in myself I have yet to realize...

Simply Outrageous!!

2009-03-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/032609dnmetcopstop.3e9c080.html?nTar=OPUR

I cannot believe that we have advanced so far as Americans but this outrageous behavior still occurs, and from someone who is supposed to be a honorable citizen who supposedly devoted his life to working to help others make our cities safer. I am simply appalled that this behavior is what the officer saw as 'just doing his job'. It is people like him that give police officers these days a bad reputation!!

I have had my run-in's with numerous police officers, those who know me know I have a LEAD foot, and it is cops like this guy that I despise dealing with. Over the years I too have encountered my fair share of RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL cops who thought that just because the wore a badge they had the right to demean, demoralize, and be down right disrespectful simply over a minor traffic stops. These cops think they are above the law because they wear a badge and that somehow gives them the right to act as they see fit. Well buddy I got news for you, obviously people are no longer going to put up with it and sweep it under the rug. The police chief has obviously taken this officers actions very seriously and I hope that trend continues!!

By no means is this to say that I do not admire those people who have given their lives to protecting me, instead I just wish that they would not abuse their power. I am grateful for the officers of the law that reach out and help better our communities, it is unfortunate that officers like Powell are also out there. That one ROTTEN apple has a tendency to spoil the entire bunch, and in this situation his actions are going to be a reflection to the public of what we believe the whole department is like. It is tragic that one bad seed has now given us all a poor view of the Dallas Police Department once again!!

Bracket Busters...

2009-03-21T08:11:00.001-07:00

So I was recently reminded that it had been FOREVER since I posted...but nobody really reads this anyway right...and besides I felt like the only thing I talked about was relationships and I have moved on!!

Today I felt the need to express my deep sadness over the bursting of my bracket by the deficiencies of Wake Forest. Seriously #13 Cleveland St.(who are they anyway) beat #4 Wake Forest, not only did they beat them, but they pretty much obliterated them with a 15 point victory. I do know who Cleveland State is, however they have not made a tournament appearance since 1986!! I guess I should have taken into consideration though that in that appearance they were also a spoiler beating Indiana and Bob Knight in the first round.

I felt I was taking a gamble by picking Wake to begin with but I thought, you know they NEED to come out an prove themselves to all the naysayers. Well they proved something alright, they proved they didn't have what it took this year!!! Many people doubted Cleveland State, but apparently this only gave them more motivation to go out there and get it done.

So I guess we will wait and see what other upsets are around the corner in this years tournament, as the second round starts today a little after noon Central time.

Yes I realize I am slightly obsessed with basketball, I could never play very well myself but I always loved the sport, I think if you cut me during this time of year I might bleed Spalding orange(the color of a basketball for all you NON-sports fans)!! Although for the NCAA Tournament I guess it would be Wilson orange, as Wilson is the official ball of the NCAA while Spalding is the official ball of the NBA.

Your dead to me...

2009-02-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

He's in a relationship!?! WTF?!! He's in a relationship...him the one that came back saying all the bullshit, he's the one that wanted to try again. I am shocked, in total disbelief.

He is dead to me...at this point I feel like everything we had was lies, and I am DONE, once and for all!! Never again, never!! The walls go back up, thicker and stronger than ever!! Lord, please help the man you finally send me because he is in for a terrible time, please give him the strength to fight hard!!

The uterus is NOT a clown car...

2009-02-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

Warning: If you don't want to hear me rant about worthless people DO NOT read any further!! I apologize I have a really hard time accepting and dealting with STUPID people!!

OK, seriously...this IDIOT woman in California has to be the most brainless person I have ever encountered!! I can not believe that we as a country are now left dealing with her incompetency!! This woman and the doctor that knocked her up should be put in front of a firing squad of women who can't even have one baby and be shot!! She is unemployed with now 14 kids that our taxes are paying for...WTF??!!

At first when the reports surfaced I was intrigued, however as more and more reports come out I just get more and more angry.

This woman is a deadbeat, a drain on society, and I am sure she has mental issues that should have been addressed before she was allowed to have all these poor children who will no doubt suffer due to her inabilities.

She has not worked since 1999, a worthless lazy sack of trash if you ask me!! And how with no job was she even able to afford the in-vitro treatments that so many women who desperately want kids and have jobs still are unable to afford?!

I understand the desire for children, I have the same desire! And as an only child myself I too would not want just one child, I remember all too well the lonely times with no one to play with. However, I as a responsible human being am taking measures to make sure that I do not have a child without a father, as I also did not have one of those either. I am making sure that when I get ready to have children I can afford them with money I earn by working, not money given to me by the government simply due to the fact that I have irresponsibly used my uterus as a clown car populating the world with innocent lives who by no fault of their own were born to selfish mother without a brain in her head!!

The people I truly feel sorry for are those kids, who are destined to lead a life struggling to find love since they have had to fight for it all their lives with their obscene amount of siblings. This woman's own mother is ashamed of her for bringing all these children into the world without a father, or any way to care for them, shouldn't that tell her something!!

She claims that she had a dysfunctional childhood with her own parents and yet she is now living with them and they are helping raise her kids. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Where was the logic here, if you had what you think was a dysfunctional life with them why on earth would you now subject your 14 children to the same people who raised your STUPID ass??!?!?

Life's Ups and Downs

2009-02-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

So I have been struggling again lately...

You know how when you think that you have moved on and are now occupying a new place, one far away from the previous place you stood shattered, only to realize that somehow inexplicably you have wound up standing once again in the remains of what was. This is were I am...

I thought that I had put the feelings behind me. I put on my big girl panties and I dealt with it!! So why is it back? As I sit here, I am still surrounded by the shreds of things I've put behind me, that for absolutely no reason have once again reared their ugly heads and crept their way back into my path. I am, once again, the lost little girl waiting for someone to see my tear stained cheeks and come to my rescue. I am not one of THOSE girls, you know the ones who NEED people to rescue them!! I have never been one of those girls. There have been few times in my life where I could not pick myself up and go on my merry way. I don't like being the one who needs to be rescued. Although, the knight in shining armor riding in on the white horse to take me away to live in the realization of my dreams sounds like a nice idea, I don't see it happening to me anytime soon, so instead I just rescue myself and move on.

This time is different though. Maybe it's because I didn't truly get closure and there are still things that are unsaid, or it could be that simply moving on can no longer be accepted and I need to be allowed to have a twenties-temper-tantrum!! Truly that's what I think would make me feel better at this point, an all out kicking and screaming, crying til I can't breathe, arms flailing wildly temper tantrum in the middle of a crowd of onlookers all wondering who had wronged this poor girl so horribly that it could ever bring her to this point...

Hopes for 2009...

2009-01-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

I don't want to call them resolutions because those always seem to get broken, so instead here are my hopes and aspirations for this year.

-To change my lifestyle for the better. I refuse to diet anymore, this year I have decided to completely change the way I live. Diets don't work!! I have started to eat right and am even going back to the gym which I have been paying for just to collect dust on my key chain for months now. I am making healthy meals at home instead of eating out and trying to work the gym into my hectic schedule wherever possible. I might have to switch gyms when my current membership is up though because my schedule is so crazy that the gyms hours don't meet my needs.

-To be completely content with myself. This is not to say that I am not currently happy with myself, instead it simply means that instead of beating myself up about the things that I can no longer change I will instead make new goals that I can focus on achieving. There were so many things on my list to have accomplished by now that have gotten pushed aside for whatever reason. It is time to reevaluate those goals, if they are still a priority then I need to figure out how to make them happen and if they are something fleeting that has passed me by, then I need to finally let them go and quit being so hard on myself that I never got the chance to accomplish them.

-To reconnect with old friends or even family that are worth the effort and to make some new ones along the way. Somehow I guess have lost touch with some people that I dearly miss, people who were there for me in one way or another, or even just friends I made along the way. Some would say this is just a hazard for graduating and starting a career, however I think those people were place in my life for a reason and it was up to me to keep them around, but I got busy like we all do and lost touch. So this year I will make an effort to make time for the people who are important to me.

-To become closer to God again. I feel like since I left college many of his messages have passed me by, without my even realizing. I think when I was at DBU even though I didn't live on campus I was still in this little cocoon of believers, it was like a safe haven where for the most part people were the way we were all intended to be. Once leaving and re-entering the REAL world, my outlook somehow became fuzzy due to the un-christian behaviors of the everyday people I run into. Somehow instead of realizing that they are a product of the devil and trying to do whatever I could to show them that I was not I instead began to get frustrated with the world in general. I hope that this year I can begin to turn around and instead of letting the rudeness and evil of the world get me down I will lead by example. I will put on my discipleship attire and show the world what it could be like if only people would follow God instead of allowing the devil to go to work in their lives. I feel like if I can reduce my frustration then my outlook will become clear once again and I will be able to see His messages clearly again, instead of trying to make them out through the thick fog that has settled over me.

I guess that's it for now...we shall see how things go...but I know that only I can stand up and regain control of my life by giving back to the One who put me here!!

Love is...

2009-01-14T20:38:00.000-08:00

Love is like a hole in the heart...like a doughnut hole searching for it's long lost doughnut...picking through the random doughnuts it runs into longing to find it's one true match, the one it was born to be with. Love is that hole.

Love is like a hole in the heart...a hole longing to be filled by the love of the man of your dreams. A hole that, when empty, is so massive that it almost consumes you, your thoughts, your dreams, your hopes and aspirations for the future. A hole you can try to fill with the randomness of life, but nothing ever fits quit right until you find the one.

I thought that I met that one many years ago. He filled the hole perfectly, seamlessly, so flawlessly that how could I have ever thought that he would shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces just to get his love back, that love that had fused so perfectly into my heart. Over the years we were able to remain friends of some sort, and I have never stopped wondering what he was up to, or wishing he would find everything he ever wanted from life. We talked periodically over the years and on a number of occasions tried to make our relationship work again. Each time we tried to repair what had broken so many times before it was more and more aparent that the damage was probebly irrepairable. Every time he would be great for awhile and then just magically disappear for approximately six months, only to return again. The last time he vanished for about a year.

Recently he came back and told me that he realized I was the one for for him, that he would do whatever it took to make it work because I was the one he wanted to be with, he had know it for some time but was too scared to admit it. He said he still loved me he always had and he always would. He said it was weird how no matter what happens in our lives apart we were always some how drawn back to each other. Amazingly, after all the words I had been waiting to hear for so very long, he disappeared again. No reasons, no explaniation of any kind...simply vanished, would not respond to any form of communication.

So here I am conpletely confused by the situation...I asked God to not bring him back again unless it was for real, soon after he magically appeared and said everything right. I know God doesn't really test us, and I often get his messages wrong due to my own strong will, but seriously. I know my Father would never want to see me hurting this deeply. I am trying to refocus on HIM, fill the massive hole in my heart with HIS love, still my heart aches for the one that destroyed it so many times and the worst part might be that no matter what he has done to me I can't hate him, I don't wish ill will on him and no matter how hard I try to stop, I will always love him.

Lies, Liars and Betrayal

2009-01-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

So...I guess I have been feeling like I have been dealing with this issue more lately than I have in awhile and much more than I care to at all!!

Why do people feel the need to lie? Where does it get you, really?! Why do guys especially feel the need to tell you what they think you want to hear? If you have to lie about it in the first place, shouldn't that tell you something? How do people think they can get away with this? There are more questions to ask, but I'm sure you know them all just as well as I do.

I feel like I used to be pretty gullible, but eventually after a few very difficult, heartbreaking situations I think I finally began to see people for who they really are. This however does exclude the one guy that no matter how many times he breaks my heart somehow I forget all the bad times and can only remember all the reasons why I love him. In my general life though I feel like I finally built a sturdy brick wall around my heart. I sometimes still struggle with wearing my heart on my sleeve.

If there is one thing I hate in life...it's a LIAR, I mean seriously JUST BE REAL!! I don't need some B.S. line about this and that, JUST BE REAL!! Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, I promise I'm a big girl, I can take it!!

Honestly it hurts more to find out later than it would if people would just tell me the truth to begin with!!