Love is...

Love is like a hole in the heart...like a doughnut hole searching for it's long lost doughnut...picking through the random doughnuts it runs into longing to find it's one true match, the one it was born to be with. Love is that hole.

Love is like a hole in the heart...a hole longing to be filled by the love of the man of your dreams. A hole that, when empty, is so massive that it almost consumes you, your thoughts, your dreams, your hopes and aspirations for the future. A hole you can try to fill with the randomness of life, but nothing ever fits quit right until you find the one.

I thought that I met that one many years ago. He filled the hole perfectly, seamlessly, so flawlessly that how could I have ever thought that he would shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces just to get his love back, that love that had fused so perfectly into my heart. Over the years we were able to remain friends of some sort, and I have never stopped wondering what he was up to, or wishing he would find everything he ever wanted from life. We talked periodically over the years and on a number of occasions tried to make our relationship work again. Each time we tried to repair what had broken so many times before it was more and more aparent that the damage was probebly irrepairable. Every time he would be great for awhile and then just magically disappear for approximately six months, only to return again. The last time he vanished for about a year.

Recently he came back and told me that he realized I was the one for for him, that he would do whatever it took to make it work because I was the one he wanted to be with, he had know it for some time but was too scared to admit it. He said he still loved me he always had and he always would. He said it was weird how no matter what happens in our lives apart we were always some how drawn back to each other. Amazingly, after all the words I had been waiting to hear for so very long, he disappeared again. No reasons, no explaniation of any kind...simply vanished, would not respond to any form of communication.

So here I am conpletely confused by the situation...I asked God to not bring him back again unless it was for real, soon after he magically appeared and said everything right. I know God doesn't really test us, and I often get his messages wrong due to my own strong will, but seriously. I know my Father would never want to see me hurting this deeply. I am trying to refocus on HIM, fill the massive hole in my heart with HIS love, still my heart aches for the one that destroyed it so many times and the worst part might be that no matter what he has done to me I can't hate him, I don't wish ill will on him and no matter how hard I try to stop, I will always love him.