I don't want to call them resolutions because those always seem to get broken, so instead here are my hopes and aspirations for this year.
-To change my lifestyle for the better. I refuse to diet anymore, this year I have decided to completely change the way I live. Diets don't work!! I have started to eat right and am even going back to the gym which I have been paying for just to collect dust on my key chain for months now. I am making healthy meals at home instead of eating out and trying to work the gym into my hectic schedule wherever possible. I might have to switch gyms when my current membership is up though because my schedule is so crazy that the gyms hours don't meet my needs.
-To be completely content with myself. This is not to say that I am not currently happy with myself, instead it simply means that instead of beating myself up about the things that I can no longer change I will instead make new goals that I can focus on achieving. There were so many things on my list to have accomplished by now that have gotten pushed aside for whatever reason. It is time to reevaluate those goals, if they are still a priority then I need to figure out how to make them happen and if they are something fleeting that has passed me by, then I need to finally let them go and quit being so hard on myself that I never got the chance to accomplish them.
-To reconnect with old friends or even family that are worth the effort and to make some new ones along the way. Somehow I guess have lost touch with some people that I dearly miss, people who were there for me in one way or another, or even just friends I made along the way. Some would say this is just a hazard for graduating and starting a career, however I think those people were place in my life for a reason and it was up to me to keep them around, but I got busy like we all do and lost touch. So this year I will make an effort to make time for the people who are important to me.
-To become closer to God again. I feel like since I left college many of his messages have passed me by, without my even realizing. I think when I was at DBU even though I didn't live on campus I was still in this little cocoon of believers, it was like a safe haven where for the most part people were the way we were all intended to be. Once leaving and re-entering the REAL world, my outlook somehow became fuzzy due to the un-christian behaviors of the everyday people I run into. Somehow instead of realizing that they are a product of the devil and trying to do whatever I could to show them that I was not I instead began to get frustrated with the world in general. I hope that this year I can begin to turn around and instead of letting the rudeness and evil of the world get me down I will lead by example. I will put on my discipleship attire and show the world what it could be like if only people would follow God instead of allowing the devil to go to work in their lives. I feel like if I can reduce my frustration then my outlook will become clear once again and I will be able to see His messages clearly again, instead of trying to make them out through the thick fog that has settled over me.
I guess that's it for now...we shall see how things go...but I know that only I can stand up and regain control of my life by giving back to the One who put me here!!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Love is...
Love is like a hole in the heart...like a doughnut hole searching for it's long lost doughnut...picking through the random doughnuts it runs into longing to find it's one true match, the one it was born to be with. Love is that hole.
Love is like a hole in the heart...a hole longing to be filled by the love of the man of your dreams. A hole that, when empty, is so massive that it almost consumes you, your thoughts, your dreams, your hopes and aspirations for the future. A hole you can try to fill with the randomness of life, but nothing ever fits quit right until you find the one.
I thought that I met that one many years ago. He filled the hole perfectly, seamlessly, so flawlessly that how could I have ever thought that he would shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces just to get his love back, that love that had fused so perfectly into my heart. Over the years we were able to remain friends of some sort, and I have never stopped wondering what he was up to, or wishing he would find everything he ever wanted from life. We talked periodically over the years and on a number of occasions tried to make our relationship work again. Each time we tried to repair what had broken so many times before it was more and more aparent that the damage was probebly irrepairable. Every time he would be great for awhile and then just magically disappear for approximately six months, only to return again. The last time he vanished for about a year.
Recently he came back and told me that he realized I was the one for for him, that he would do whatever it took to make it work because I was the one he wanted to be with, he had know it for some time but was too scared to admit it. He said he still loved me he always had and he always would. He said it was weird how no matter what happens in our lives apart we were always some how drawn back to each other. Amazingly, after all the words I had been waiting to hear for so very long, he disappeared again. No reasons, no explaniation of any kind...simply vanished, would not respond to any form of communication.
So here I am conpletely confused by the situation...I asked God to not bring him back again unless it was for real, soon after he magically appeared and said everything right. I know God doesn't really test us, and I often get his messages wrong due to my own strong will, but seriously. I know my Father would never want to see me hurting this deeply. I am trying to refocus on HIM, fill the massive hole in my heart with HIS love, still my heart aches for the one that destroyed it so many times and the worst part might be that no matter what he has done to me I can't hate him, I don't wish ill will on him and no matter how hard I try to stop, I will always love him.
Love is like a hole in the heart...a hole longing to be filled by the love of the man of your dreams. A hole that, when empty, is so massive that it almost consumes you, your thoughts, your dreams, your hopes and aspirations for the future. A hole you can try to fill with the randomness of life, but nothing ever fits quit right until you find the one.
I thought that I met that one many years ago. He filled the hole perfectly, seamlessly, so flawlessly that how could I have ever thought that he would shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces just to get his love back, that love that had fused so perfectly into my heart. Over the years we were able to remain friends of some sort, and I have never stopped wondering what he was up to, or wishing he would find everything he ever wanted from life. We talked periodically over the years and on a number of occasions tried to make our relationship work again. Each time we tried to repair what had broken so many times before it was more and more aparent that the damage was probebly irrepairable. Every time he would be great for awhile and then just magically disappear for approximately six months, only to return again. The last time he vanished for about a year.
Recently he came back and told me that he realized I was the one for for him, that he would do whatever it took to make it work because I was the one he wanted to be with, he had know it for some time but was too scared to admit it. He said he still loved me he always had and he always would. He said it was weird how no matter what happens in our lives apart we were always some how drawn back to each other. Amazingly, after all the words I had been waiting to hear for so very long, he disappeared again. No reasons, no explaniation of any kind...simply vanished, would not respond to any form of communication.
So here I am conpletely confused by the situation...I asked God to not bring him back again unless it was for real, soon after he magically appeared and said everything right. I know God doesn't really test us, and I often get his messages wrong due to my own strong will, but seriously. I know my Father would never want to see me hurting this deeply. I am trying to refocus on HIM, fill the massive hole in my heart with HIS love, still my heart aches for the one that destroyed it so many times and the worst part might be that no matter what he has done to me I can't hate him, I don't wish ill will on him and no matter how hard I try to stop, I will always love him.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Lies, Liars and Betrayal
So...I guess I have been feeling like I have been dealing with this issue more lately than I have in awhile and much more than I care to at all!!
Why do people feel the need to lie? Where does it get you, really?! Why do guys especially feel the need to tell you what they think you want to hear? If you have to lie about it in the first place, shouldn't that tell you something? How do people think they can get away with this? There are more questions to ask, but I'm sure you know them all just as well as I do.
I feel like I used to be pretty gullible, but eventually after a few very difficult, heartbreaking situations I think I finally began to see people for who they really are. This however does exclude the one guy that no matter how many times he breaks my heart somehow I forget all the bad times and can only remember all the reasons why I love him. In my general life though I feel like I finally built a sturdy brick wall around my heart. I sometimes still struggle with wearing my heart on my sleeve.
If there is one thing I hate in life...it's a LIAR, I mean seriously JUST BE REAL!! I don't need some B.S. line about this and that, JUST BE REAL!! Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, I promise I'm a big girl, I can take it!!
Honestly it hurts more to find out later than it would if people would just tell me the truth to begin with!!
Why do people feel the need to lie? Where does it get you, really?! Why do guys especially feel the need to tell you what they think you want to hear? If you have to lie about it in the first place, shouldn't that tell you something? How do people think they can get away with this? There are more questions to ask, but I'm sure you know them all just as well as I do.
I feel like I used to be pretty gullible, but eventually after a few very difficult, heartbreaking situations I think I finally began to see people for who they really are. This however does exclude the one guy that no matter how many times he breaks my heart somehow I forget all the bad times and can only remember all the reasons why I love him. In my general life though I feel like I finally built a sturdy brick wall around my heart. I sometimes still struggle with wearing my heart on my sleeve.
If there is one thing I hate in life...it's a LIAR, I mean seriously JUST BE REAL!! I don't need some B.S. line about this and that, JUST BE REAL!! Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, I promise I'm a big girl, I can take it!!
Honestly it hurts more to find out later than it would if people would just tell me the truth to begin with!!
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